Am I the Mother I Want to Be? Sometimes, I Am Her.


I remember sitting at a table with two friends last year, when one of them (who was not yet a mama) said something along the lines of, “I know I’m not ready for a child. I don’t want to pass my unconsciousness down the line.”

In my mind, my honest response was, “good luck with that!”

Maybe I was quick to respond because of my own experience. I mean, even after my awakening in 2011, I still struggle with guilt about the way I sometimes fail my son (who is now 5).

You can only do so much ancestral healing work from OUTSIDE the ring.

As in: you can prepare as much as you want before you become a mother, but once you’re a mother (or parent) — the real work begins.

That’s my opinion.

Maybe, like me, you’ll say to yourself, “Holy sh*t, I thought I had healed this.”

There have been dark moments (usually when I’m not taking care of myself/my energy or devoting time to my purpose-work) where I have grabbed my five year old by the shoulders, shaken him, and yelled in his face. Not for no reason, mind you, but because I could no longer tolerate his behavior and non-compliance (which I understand is a glaring reflection of ME).

There have been other things. Like the times when I have made him responsible for the negative shift in energy during the day, or in the house, or between us. Or the times when I have dragged him kicking and screaming to the yard and left him out there until I could get calm enough to handle it.

Or the times I have outright asked him, “What’s wrong with you?” — all the while knowing how damaging that statement is, and that there is truly nothing wrong with him, but that it’s ME and his behavior or a situation that needs to be addressed with consciousness.

There have also been really sad times when I have completely shut myself and my heart down, and been conditional with my love — a pattern I no doubt lived on the receiving end of as a daughter of an unfit mother.

I won’t go into a long defensive explanation about how freaking persistent, intense, and energetically demanding he is. But I will say: he wants to make ALL the rules, he does not comply, and parenting him is NOT easy.

I’ve invested in therapy. I’ve been doing EFT and EMDR. I’ve read Dr. Shefali. And Peaceful Parent, Happy Child. I’ve read the books about the Spirited Children. I’ve talked to other moms who get it. I’ve talked to moms who don’t.

And I’ve given my child more space to exist as who he naturally is than so many I see fitting their children into tidy little boxes of what’s acceptable — viewing them not as unique beings, but rather as extensions of themselves.

And despite all of it, I still get it wrong, more often than I want to.

Is there more I could do? Yes.


Am I the mother I want to be? Sometimes I am her.

Sometimes, I lean right into her and I’m proud and relieved. In the moments where I remember to shift the energy intelligently — I am her. In the moments when I maintain eye contact and can hold my role as the energetic container for his intensity — I am her.

When I remember to laugh at it all, that he chose me, and that he IS going to grow into a wonderful and emotionally intelligent young man — I am her.

It’s vulnerable for me to share my dark mom moments, because I know conceptually what the right and wrong (or unconscious) ways mothering/parenting are — meanwhile, my LIVED experience of being mothered is one of consistent abuse.

I’m sitting here right now, as I write this, thinking of a woman I can send this to, to read before I hit publish. Maybe she’ll tell me not to share it, or maybe she’ll say, ‘me too’ — that she also has dark mom moments that are hard to talk about.

One thing is for certain: I know that I am human. I know that I am not alone on the journey. I know that I came, not to be perfect — but to heal — to carry the torch forward for my Soul family and lineage one step at a time, even if that means that the steps I take don’t get us fully to the destination I know is available.


In my mind I can hear one of my friends quote Matt Kahn. In moments of admitting my faults and sharing my pain, she’d remind me, “you know Jillian, Matt Kahn would say that in the dark moments, ‘you deserve more love, not less.’”

Is it time to hold yourself with the Love and compassion that you know will wash your Spirit clean and clear? Is it time to forgive yourself for your mistakes and move forward? Is it time to love yourself unconditionally, as if you were the child who needed to be held?

You’re not here to be perfect. You’re here to be human. And the more you can allow for your mistakes the easier you’ll move through them, learn from them, and the more quickly you will discover another way — a better way — a more aligned way for you + yours. .

Loving You,

Jillian Xx

P.S. The Vital Mother Mindset Bundle is available for pre-sale! Are you ready to go from overwhelmed and scattered, to focused on and ON POINT with your soul work?

Listen, I know you’re a better mom when you’re making space for your work, your vision, and your creativity. I know because I’M THE SAME WAY.

On the days that I rise early and do my writing, I am far more satisfied, contented, and pleased — and it makes me a way better mom!

I don’t know who said this, but they were right: you can’t pour from an empty cup. You just can’t. When there are other people in your life who need your life-force energy, you need to do what you can to FILL UP FIRST.

For a limited time (and for a super low price) you can purchase this juicy bundle of mindset trainings designed to help you navigate being both ambitious in building your career AND being the mother you know you can be.

Together let’s:

  • move through your excuses, BS, and limiting stories that are preventing you from showing up for yourself, your work, and by extension — your child or partner or family

  • create new habits (that support your creative genius) so you know what to focus on daily to create consistent results and build unstoppable momentum

  • take the micro steps you need to take, to create your vision in business and in life — financially, emotionally, and energetically.

Get all the details and get in on this goodness right here:

Big Love,


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If you want to:

+ Help your clients get better results

+ Free up time + energy to strategically create a group program

+ Stop hustling for your next single 1:1 session, or low-end sale

+ learn how to go high-end with your rates, effectively

Then, this is for you. Download it below for instant access. 


4 Lessons I Learned From Trying to Scale My Heart-led Business from Six to Multi-Six Figures (Annually)


You’d think that I wouldn’t mind going through a few challenges, but in all honestly, 2018 was f*cking hard on me. I was going through some deep cleansing + healing with my liver/gallbladder. I was in a friendship where I allowed another person’s intuition to consistently override my own knowing. I made a high-level investment from a place of fear that put an epic amount of pressure on me to create, perform, and earn.

During the same year, we found out our house (the lakehouse cabin) had toxic mold at around the SAME time we found out we were pregnant with baby #2. I was unable to function physically and mentally for quite a few months and my business wasn’t yet in a position where it could fully operate and generate income without me.

My partner Aaron’s neurological symptoms (that mimicked the symptoms of Lyme’s disease) all of a sudden made SO MUCH SENSE and so did my Liver / Gallbladder stuff. We were literally battling our home environment. Side note: if you’re not familiar with the effects that toxic mold can have on your health, do the research. So many people who have been exposed to mold have health challenges that feel hard to de-code and heal.


From my heart to yours, here are the top 4 lessons I learned during my first attempt to scale my business from the six to multi-six figure per year level:

1. Your expenses don’t need to increase at the same rate as your income. This is obvious, but it’s a trap that so many entrepreneurs fall into, without knowing or understanding what’s happening.

All of sudden, you look at your business, and it NEEDS X amount of sales to sustain it’s monthly expenses. In enters the stress of ‘keeping it up and keeping it rolling’. If your income doesn’t stay up to keep the expenses manageable? Helllllo, credit card debt.

Don’t be afraid to keep a close eye on your expenses, and ask yourself, ‘do I really need this right now? Is this going to provide a return on my investment?and be super clear on your decisions. There’s nothing wrong with saying, “that’s not in the budget right now.”

Seriously, I thought that saying, “that’s not in my budget right now” meant I was not having an ‘abundance-mindset’ while in reality, it meant I was being intentional about where I spent and what I was reinvesting in the business.

I highly recommend reading the book, Profit First (, to learn how to side-step this lesson. Not that lessons really need to be side-stepped because they’re what make you a smarter business person, a better leader, and well, a source of wisdom.

2. You don’t need to raise your program or 1:1 prices to scale.

You CAN do it this way, sure. You CAN raise your prices to scale. But for some of you, it might not feel like ‘the way’ or ‘the time’. I’m 100% down for charging high-end for your 1:1’s, but you don’t need to scale your business based on your 1:1 rates going up.

One of my biggest take-aways from 2018 is the knowing that I was trying to ‘go high’ when I really should have been focused on ‘going wide.’ What I mean by that is I could have been way more focused on reaching MORE of the RIGHT people, and helping them through free content, and low-priced offerings. In doing that, my high-end offerings would have filled themselves with mega ease. Instead, I was hyper focused on serving a select few with high-end offerings and I felt it in both the income AND impact departments.

This feels like the place to remind you that you don’t need to fix what’s already working. Have a group program that sells like hot cakes every time you launch it? Great! You don’t actually need to raise the price to scale. You can just create a plan to reach MORE of the RIGHT people. If you want. Just an idea.

3. Don’t become obsessed with your failures.

In 2018 I was obsessed with my failures. I quickly made them mean something about me, instead of looking at them as a vital part of the learning process. For instance, one of my launches was a total wash (as in: I broke even). A launch that was expected to exceed 20k, only did 7k. At the same time, I had hired for a new position based on my projected quarterly income (and not on cash saved) and found myself in a position where I had to pay my team, at the expense of paying myself. F*ck! It was not what I wanted, not what I foresaw, and I was angry at myself!

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Instead of getting right back up, I wallowed in self-pity and asked myself a hundred questions. Am I on the wrong path? Is this a sign? Am I supposed to be doing something ELSE? All of these questions were BS. Instead of just learning what I learned, I let my failures mean something about me, and because I did THAT, I slowed my whole operation down DRASTICALLY. I didn’t pick myself up and continue on for weeks, actually, maybe a few months.

My next launch? My goal was 60k. I honestly needed to hit 60k to feel ‘on top’. I made less than 10k, and again, made it mean something about me. I again proceeded to get up slowly. In looking back, I wish I had the mindset I have now. Keep. Going. Keep learning. Keep growing. I now have a 48 hour rule. My partner is the one who keeps me accountable. I said to him, “If I don’t hit my goal, give me 48 hours before you slap me out of it, PLEASE.”

Ultimately, the more you FAIL, the more you SUCCEED. Go now. Fail forward. Get. Off. the. Ground.

4. Selling all the time is NORMAL.

I didn’t think it was. I thought it was only acceptable to sell one big thing per quarter. I thought selling stuff all the time would bother people. Ha! I realize that my mindset in 2018 needed a MAJOR adjustment.

Selling your work, your products, and your offerings is SERVICE. You have heard this before. I had heard this before. I had even been teaching this! But I needed to understand it on a new level. Program it deeply into your mind: it is SAFE to show up and sell frequently.

It’s safe to sell on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, AND Sunday. It’s safe to jump from selling one thing, to selling the next thing, with zero time in between. It’s SAFE. You’re in business, and sales are the life-blood of your business. If you’re going to keep creating and serving, you need to keep selling.

That’s it beautiful. That’s what I have for you today.

  • Go wide, and your business will naturally go high.

  • Focus on reaching more of the RIGHT people for your services and offerings.

  • Make sure you’re out there getting in front of new people, and bringing those new people into your world.

  • Consistently share with them who you are, what you offer, and how you can help them.


Big Love,


P.S. Just KNOW in your bones we’re meant to work together right now? Ready to align your mind AND energy-field with the results you want to create in your life and business? It’s TIME! I have a very special, and super low cost way to get my 1:1 focus right now (think: 3 1:1 coaching sessions + 2 weeks unlimited Voxer support). This is about YOU getting out of your own way and taking some massive action. Here’s the catch: I’m going on maternity leave on May 9th, so if this is for you email us right now at and say: “I want more details!” My team and I will send ‘em right over to You.

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If you want to:

+ Help your clients get better results

+ Free up time + energy to strategically create a group program

+ Stop hustling for your next single 1:1 session, or low-end sale

+ learn how to go high-end with your rates, effectively

Then, this is for you. Download it below for instant access. 


Rich People Have Bookkeepers. Is This the Year You Start Outsourcing Your Books?

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Last year, in early 2018, I decided to finally hire a bookkeeper. Even though I was afraid of another additional monthly expense on top of what it cost to sustain and run my business, I knew it was TIME.

I knew that in order for me to grow as a business owner and entrepreneur that I needed to stay in my zone of genius and be the Creatrix. I needed to be focused on creating products and services aka making the money, while someone did the tracking for me.

Because let’s just be honest here: I was NOT staying on top of the bookkeeping.


It looked like this: every two-three months or so I’d go into quickbooks and pretend I knew what the hell I was doing. I’d even bring a bar of chocolate and light a candle to try and make it feel good, like they all told me I should. Chocolate or not, it was still painful and unenjoyable and it was taking me away from what I really needed to be focused on.

In one of his audio books, author of Rich Dad, Poor Dad, Robert Kiyosaki tells his readers that even when he was 400k + in debt, his ‘Rich Dad’ (his best friend’s father and one of his  mentors) told him to go out and hire a bookkeeper.

Why? Why, in the midst of his then painful financial reality would he be advised to do this? His rich dad simply said, “Rich people have bookkeepers.”

You know, I have zero idea how I found Bench Accounting, but I have to say: I LOVE their services. I LOVE just checking in with my monthly reports, and I love how easy they make everything. Their communication is excellent, and their system is SO easy to work with.

I no longer have to worry about getting it wrong, falling behind, or missing something important. I can focus on the business growth activities that feel natural, normal, and organic to me while knowing that it’s all being handled.

This year, they (Bench Accounting) handed me my year-end reports, with all the financial data I need, and all I have to do now is bring it over to my CPA. I actually need a new CPA right this moment so don’t think I’m 100% stress free, but I am in a FAR better position than I was last year.

Is this the year that you finally hire a bookkeeper for your side hustle, start-up, or heart-led business? Check out Bench here: For real.

Full disclosure: the links provided in this blog post are my personal referral links. For each person I refer to Bench, I make cash-gains AND get a sweet discount on my Bench payment. How fun?

Big Love,


7 Core Components_ipad_white_portrait.png

If you want to:

+ Help your clients get better results

+ Free up time + energy to strategically create a group program

+ Stop hustling for your next single 1:1 session, or low-end sale

+ learn how to go high-end with your rates, effectively

Then, this is for you. Download it below for instant access.