Am I the Mother I Want to Be? Sometimes, I Am Her.

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I remember sitting at a table with two friends last year, when one of them (who was not yet a mama) said something along the lines of, “I know I’m not ready for a child. I don’t want to pass my unconsciousness down the line.”

In my mind, my honest response was, “good luck with that!”

Maybe I was quick to respond because of my own experience. I mean, even after my awakening in 2011, I still struggle with guilt about the way I sometimes fail my son (who is now 5).

You can only do so much ancestral healing work from OUTSIDE the ring.

As in: you can prepare as much as you want before you become a mother, but once you’re a mother (or parent) — the real work begins.

That’s my opinion.

Maybe, like me, you’ll say to yourself, “Holy sh*t, I thought I had healed this.”

There have been dark moments (usually when I’m not taking care of myself/my energy or devoting time to my purpose-work) where I have grabbed my five year old by the shoulders, shaken him, and yelled in his face. Not for no reason, mind you, but because I could no longer tolerate his behavior and non-compliance (which I understand is a glaring reflection of ME).

There have been other things. Like the times when I have made him responsible for the negative shift in energy during the day, or in the house, or between us. Or the times when I have dragged him kicking and screaming to the yard and left him out there until I could get calm enough to handle it.

Or the times I have outright asked him, “What’s wrong with you?” — all the while knowing how damaging that statement is, and that there is truly nothing wrong with him, but that it’s ME and his behavior or a situation that needs to be addressed with consciousness.

There have also been really sad times when I have completely shut myself and my heart down, and been conditional with my love — a pattern I no doubt lived on the receiving end of as a daughter of an unfit mother.

I won’t go into a long defensive explanation about how freaking persistent, intense, and energetically demanding he is. But I will say: he wants to make ALL the rules, he does not comply, and parenting him is NOT easy.

I’ve invested in therapy. I’ve been doing EFT and EMDR. I’ve read Dr. Shefali. And Peaceful Parent, Happy Child. I’ve read the books about the Spirited Children. I’ve talked to other moms who get it. I’ve talked to moms who don’t.

And I’ve given my child more space to exist as who he naturally is than so many I see fitting their children into tidy little boxes of what’s acceptable — viewing them not as unique beings, but rather as extensions of themselves.

And despite all of it, I still get it wrong, more often than I want to.

Is there more I could do? Yes.

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Am I the mother I want to be? Sometimes I am her.

Sometimes, I lean right into her and I’m proud and relieved. In the moments where I remember to shift the energy intelligently — I am her. In the moments when I maintain eye contact and can hold my role as the energetic container for his intensity — I am her.

When I remember to laugh at it all, that he chose me, and that he IS going to grow into a wonderful and emotionally intelligent young man — I am her.

It’s vulnerable for me to share my dark mom moments, because I know conceptually what the right and wrong (or unconscious) ways mothering/parenting are — meanwhile, my LIVED experience of being mothered is one of consistent abuse.

I’m sitting here right now, as I write this, thinking of a woman I can send this to, to read before I hit publish. Maybe she’ll tell me not to share it, or maybe she’ll say, ‘me too’ — that she also has dark mom moments that are hard to talk about.

One thing is for certain: I know that I am human. I know that I am not alone on the journey. I know that I came, not to be perfect — but to heal — to carry the torch forward for my Soul family and lineage one step at a time, even if that means that the steps I take don’t get us fully to the destination I know is available.

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In my mind I can hear one of my friends quote Matt Kahn. In moments of admitting my faults and sharing my pain, she’d remind me, “you know Jillian, Matt Kahn would say that in the dark moments, ‘you deserve more love, not less.’”

Is it time to hold yourself with the Love and compassion that you know will wash your Spirit clean and clear? Is it time to forgive yourself for your mistakes and move forward? Is it time to love yourself unconditionally, as if you were the child who needed to be held?

You’re not here to be perfect. You’re here to be human. And the more you can allow for your mistakes the easier you’ll move through them, learn from them, and the more quickly you will discover another way — a better way — a more aligned way for you + yours. .

Loving You,

Jillian Xx

P.S. The Vital Mother Mindset Bundle is available for pre-sale! Are you ready to go from overwhelmed and scattered, to focused on and ON POINT with your soul work?

Listen, I know you’re a better mom when you’re making space for your work, your vision, and your creativity. I know because I’M THE SAME WAY.

On the days that I rise early and do my writing, I am far more satisfied, contented, and pleased — and it makes me a way better mom!

I don’t know who said this, but they were right: you can’t pour from an empty cup. You just can’t. When there are other people in your life who need your life-force energy, you need to do what you can to FILL UP FIRST.

For a limited time (and for a super low price) you can purchase this juicy bundle of mindset trainings designed to help you navigate being both ambitious in building your career AND being the mother you know you can be.

Together let’s:

  • move through your excuses, BS, and limiting stories that are preventing you from showing up for yourself, your work, and by extension — your child or partner or family

  • create new habits (that support your creative genius) so you know what to focus on daily to create consistent results and build unstoppable momentum

  • take the micro steps you need to take, to create your vision in business and in life — financially, emotionally, and energetically.

Get all the details and get in on this goodness right here: www.jillian-anderson.com/vital-mother-mindset-bundle

Big Love,




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If you want to:

+ Help your clients get better results

+ Free up time + energy to strategically create a group program

+ Stop hustling for your next single 1:1 session, or low-end sale

+ learn how to go high-end with your rates, effectively

Then, this is for you. Download it below for instant access. 

 
 
 

Permission to Prosper: How to Cultivate Your Sexual Energy to Manifest Like a Queen

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If we're going to have a conscious conversation around money, sexual energy, and manifestation we need to lay out a solid foundation before we walk through.

We also need to ditch the shame + secrecy around wanting more, because there's nothing wrong with financial well-being in your life.

Money is a neutral form of energetic exchange. And energy is spirit in motion. Money is spiritual. Because money is neutral, it can become a vehicle for what you value.

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You might value travel, art, and adventure. Or maybe your top priority is re-investing in your business and personal growth. Whatever is on your list know this: Money in your hands is a force for good.

Money in your hands is different than in anyone else's hands on the planet. Why? Because there is only one Y-O-U.

You'll need money to traverse this physical plane and wandering without it isn't enjoyable. Am I right?!

If money is neutral and just an exchange for what you value, why is there so much baggage + wounding in relationship to it?

Why are some of us struggling while others are staying at the Ritz? Why are there big-hearted consciousness-raisin' people who struggle to make ends meet?

Here are 9 opportunities to explore your psyche:

  • Did your parents argue about money?

  • Did you have enough?

  • What was your mother's relationship to money?

  • If you had plenty of it, were other kids jealous?

  • Did someone tell you that the 'meek will inherit the earth'?

  • Were you conditioned to buy the cheapest things?

  • Or were you sent off to a prestigious college without a financial care?

  • Was any of your early education dedicated to teaching you how to build wealth?

Answer these questions to get a glimpse into your current mind-body-money-relationship. They'll help you make some deep + fundamental changes in your beliefs and emotional patterns.

Now that we've done some unearthing I want you to know that you have extraordinary power. Exercising that power is not wrong or bad. When sex, money, and power are heart-guided they become beautiful expressions of your unique essence.

Sexual energy can be cultivated and directed to energize your manifesting power i.e. stoke your ultimate creative potential.

Imagine if you were very quiet, and the cosmos couldn't hear you when you spoke. Now, imagine your heart-body-mind beaming powerfully in all directions. Which would you prefer?

Sexual energy is the juice of all life, it's the creative energy of the cosmos, it's the river beneath the river, it's what creates all things epic, every painting, poem, gold metal, and fulfilled pursuit is the result of desire and the willingness to let it rise within.

Yet sexual energy has been demonized in the same way that money has. And because of this, we're still working to heal centuries of deep sexual suppression.

We've been so strongly influenced to believe that a sexual woman is a temptress, out to manipulate and distract man from the God-force. 

It's the opposite. Your sexuality is your bridge to the Divine. Dare to awaken it's potential to heal, restore, and guide you on your path. 

What would happen if you gave yourself permission to experience ecstasy, bliss, and pleasure whether on your meditation cushion or in your bed? What would happen if you relaxed, opened, and expanded your capacity to receive? What would happen if you decided that you were worthy of total integration?

One thing is for certain and it's that you'd be less likely to reject all the magic when it shows up for you.

In a culture that has conditioned you to believe that giving is a more sacred than receiving it's important work to expand your capacity to receive. 

If you haven't yet given yourself permission to create a new level of financial well-being and mind-bending pleasure, this is your big invitation.

Big Love,

Jillian Xx

 

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Want More?

FREE VIDEO TRAINING

HOW TO MAKE MONEY (AND MEANINGFUL OPPORTUNITIES) USING THE SCIENCE OF YOUR ORGASMIC NATURE

In this Video Training You Will Learn:

  • How to successfully disrupt your work + money patterns by partnering with the intelligence of your female body

  • How to use orgasmic manifestation to create new and exciting experiences in your life

  • The one unconventional thing you must do to shift your type-a patterns of over-working and under earning

  • 3 strategies for letting go of control, and relaxing into what you want, without setting yourself back or self-sabotaging your success

  • How to create a pleasure-practice solo, or with a partner — whichever you'd prefer!

ABOUT YOUR GUIDE:

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HI, I'M JILLIAN ANDERSON. I’m a writer, healer, and a transformational coach, who helps soulful women increase their pleasure, satisfaction, and financial well-being. I'm most known for my six-week group program, Permission to Prosper, where I help women transform their relationship with money, by accessing and harnessing the power of their sexual energy.

I’ve worked with over 200 clients across 53 countries, and I’ve been told (by one of my clients) that I’m the kind of woman who goes for the cake, and eats it, too. Coming more deeply into my earning power has taken years, and I'm excited to share with you the unconventional approach that I take, to helping my clients step into deeper fulfillment and financial well-being. 

You may have seen my work in:


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If you want to:

+ Help your clients get better results

+ Free up time + energy to strategically create a group program

+ Stop hustling for your next single 1:1 session, or low-end sale

+ learn how to go high-end with your rates, effectively

Then, this is for you. Download it below for instant access. 

 
 
 

A Recap on My Human Design Reading: How to Design a Profitable Business By Working in Harmony with Yourself.

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Image by: In Her Image Photography

I recently received a Human Design reading because I was struggling with making decisions in my business. It was liberating in ALL the ways I hoped it would be.

My challenges before the reading were:

Why can’t I stick to my promotional schedule? Why do I always move things around at the last minute? What’s wrong with me that I can’t plan my year (or more) in advance and stick to it? Will I ever be able to scale, or will I continue to work on a moment by moment, quarter by quarter basis.

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How can I design my business to be highly profitable, even though I’m super introverted? Like, I just can’t be on the phone TOO much, or on FB Live or IG stories all the time, because honestly I prefer to be alone and half naked in my yard with a journal and a pen.

How can I design the year so that I have plenty of time to write without disruption — time in which I don’t need to show up live to actively promote anything, without seeing a dip in my income (and ideally seeing it rise, consistently)?

I wanted to know: where am I contorting? Where am I out of harmony with my essence and myself? Where can I realign so that this business truly honors me, and my energy, my ideas, and my mission (which is ironically, financial education + liberation for women).

To be completely honest, I also really wanted to know if I was ON THE RIGHT PATH. I mean, do we ever really know if we’re on the right path? Every step of the way there are a multitude of choices and decisions to make. And to move forward, we have to keep making them. How do I know I’m making the best ones?

So, in enters my sister Jordan, who suggests I see her friend Pilar Lesko, for a Human Design reading. I booked my spot in Pilar’s calendar and excitedly awaited my appointment.

When we began the call, Pilar let me know how much the work I do (The Permission to Prosper work) had positively influenced her, and helped her start charging more for her readings. Wooo!

Then, she opened the call.

I sat back and listened deeply for 90 minutes. She hardly stopped speaking. She did check in on me intuitively, but the reading was really a stream of information coming through her, while I stayed receptive, took notes, and drew pictures in my journal to help me remember things.

A thousand realizations occured, but in relation to running a business in alignment with my essence and Human Design type (I’m a generator), here’s what was affirmed:

+ Some of us are NOT supposed to have five year plans. For some of us (me!), a five year plan feels like forcing. Some business experts would say, “If you don’t know where you’re going, you’ll never get there” to which I smile, nod, and pretend I have a clue where this is all going.

+ I actually don’t need to make things happen (initiate things). I need to sit back and allow things to happen, and respond to them based on feeling. I also need to give myself ample time to decide. Side note: Manifestors can successfully initiate, generators (and manifesting generators) are better off waiting to respond, projectors are designed to wait for an invitation, and reflectors must wait longer than all the other types to make decisions.

+ The business experts out there, with models that are working for them, might not actually run a model that works for you. OMGosh. I’ve invested tens of thousands of dollars to study with various business experts. Publicity experts. A multi-six-figure business coach. Online business experts. Marketing + strategy experts. Events. Programs. You name it. And, I’ve emulated models that might be profitable for me, but won’t feel GOOD on me, in the long term.

+ My authority type in Human Design is emotional authority, which means that my emotions determine how I make decisions. This means, I make decisions that are not logical, they are based on feeling. I gotta say, those of you out there who have emotional authority, and are entrepreneurs, will be challenged. Sometimes as an entrepreneur, making last minute changes to your plans, based on your feelings, can throw your team off, or your calendar off. For me, I realized I need to be way more devoted to my morning practice that grounds me. I also realized I needed to inform my team that moving things around and making these feeling-based decisions, is MY BEST WAY.

+ There is NO ONE RIGHT WAY. You can design your business, and your business model, the way you want to. Don’t want to take 1:1’s? Don’t. Don’t want to launch more than once a year? Don’t. Don’t want to launch at all? Don’t. You can go the evergreen route. There are so many ways to do this.

+ I have A LOT of energy for what I love. I like to work. It’s how I roll. I check things off the list and I keep going. And, I was SHAMING myself for this, because my good friend is a projector and isn’t really designed to work like me. I thought things like: I’m a total product of the patriarchy. I should rest more. I should probably not want to work. I should slow down, etc. Turns out, all the ‘shoulds’ were not serving me. I’m supposed to roll like this. How. Liberating. I can just be myself. I can work in harmony with this natural desire to burn energy, and make sh*t happen.

Now, Human Design is complex. And by now, you’re probably wondering what your Design type is (if you don’t already know). If you know your type, you’re probably wondering how you can work more in harmony with your essence, make great decisions, make the most of your energy, and access your unique strengths, as you design a business that FEELS GOOD to you.

The great news?

A special collaboration with Pilar Lesko is HERE, and it’s going to help you design a business that you Love and feel nourished by, and not one you want to secretly burn to the ground.

It’s called the Human Design Your Business Group Reading + Coaching Session and you can find all the details about it here: https://www.jillian-anderson.com/human-design-business/

If you’re just getting started, it’s going to save you time, energy, and money. You’ll learn what you need to about your specific type, AND the business model/marketing strategies, that would work really well for you.

Get all the Details + Reserve Your Seat in Human Design Your Business Here!

Thanks for reading + talk soon!

Big Love,

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Disclaimer: I am NOT a human design expert, nor do I claim to be. Also: the above realizations were specific to various elements of my personal chart, and may not apply to you.


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If you want to:

+ Help your clients get better results

+ Free up time + energy to strategically create a group program

+ Stop hustling for your next single 1:1 session, or low-end sale

+ learn how to go high-end with your rates, effectively

Then, this is for you. Download it below for instant access.