To the Daughter Whose Mother Can't See her

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I see you. I know what it’s like. I know what it’s like to caretake her energy. To subjugate your emotions and needs for hers, over and over and for a lifetime as little fissures form in your innocent Spirit.

I know what it’s like not to be held, or heard, or spoken to with soft recognition.

I know what it’s like. I know what it’s like to break— to be blamed. For everything that went wrong, continues to go wrong. The scapegoat. The way out. I know what it’s like to be made responsible for her pain, her experience, her everything.

When she’s everything, you’re nothing, and when nobody sees it (or understands) — I know what it’s like.

To the daughters whose mothers can’t see them, not because they won’t, but because they can’t — I am thinking of you today. My heart contains yours. I promise, you are not invisible.

I will tell you now that there is triumphant joy in your future. A joy that rises from becoming the Mother of yourself and your Sacred Heart — the Mother Herself, as in Gaia. Sophia. Divine. Her. Oh! The work it entails!

What a worthwhile road to traverse.

What a gift, a blessing, that you can grow and grow and be polished from this angle.

Big Love,

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WANT MORE?

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  • map (and start to magnetize) your ideal support system with one of my favorite exercises (SO YOU CAN SHIFT INTO TRULY THRIVING)

  • get instant insight on doing work and motherhood on your own terms 

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Am I the Mother I Want to Be? Sometimes, I Am Her.

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I remember sitting at a table with two friends last year, when one of them (who was not yet a mama) said something along the lines of, “I know I’m not ready for a child. I don’t want to pass my unconsciousness down the line.”

In my mind, my honest response was, “good luck with that!”

Maybe I was quick to respond because of my own experience. I mean, even after my awakening in 2011, I still struggle with guilt about the way I sometimes fail my son (who is now 5).

You can only do so much ancestral healing work from OUTSIDE the ring.

As in: you can prepare as much as you want before you become a mother, but once you’re a mother (or parent) — the real work begins.

That’s my opinion.

Maybe, like me, you’ll say to yourself, “Holy sh*t, I thought I had healed this.”

There have been dark moments (usually when I’m not taking care of myself/my energy or devoting time to my purpose-work) where I have grabbed my five year old by the shoulders, shaken him, and yelled in his face. Not for no reason, mind you, but because I could no longer tolerate his behavior and non-compliance (which I understand is a glaring reflection of ME).

There have been other things. Like the times when I have made him responsible for the negative shift in energy during the day, or in the house, or between us. Or the times when I have dragged him kicking and screaming to the yard and left him out there until I could get calm enough to handle it.

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Or the times I have outright asked him, “What’s wrong with you?” — all the while knowing how damaging that statement is, and that there is truly nothing wrong with him, but that it’s ME and his behavior or a situation that needs to be addressed with consciousness.

There have also been really sad times when I have completely shut myself and my heart down, and been conditional with my love — a pattern I no doubt lived on the receiving end of as a daughter of an unfit mother.

I won’t go into a long defensive explanation about how freaking persistent, intense, and energetically demanding he is. But I will say: he wants to make ALL the rules, he does not comply, and parenting him is NOT easy.

I’ve invested in therapy. I’ve been doing EFT and EMDR. I’ve read Dr. Shefali. And Peaceful Parent, Happy Child. I’ve read the books about the Spirited Children. I’ve talked to other moms who get it. I’ve talked to moms who don’t.

And I’ve given my child more space to exist as who he naturally is than so many I see fitting their children into tidy little boxes of what’s acceptable — viewing them not as unique beings, but rather as extensions of themselves.

And despite all of it, I still get it wrong, more often than I want to.

Is there more I could do? Yes.

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Am I the mother I want to be? Sometimes I am her.

Sometimes, I lean right into her and I’m proud and relieved. In the moments where I remember to shift the energy intelligently — I am her. In the moments when I maintain eye contact and can hold my role as the energetic container for his intensity — I am her.

When I remember to laugh at it all, that he chose me, and that he IS going to grow into a wonderful and emotionally intelligent young man — I am her.

It’s vulnerable for me to share my dark mom moments, because I know conceptually what the right and wrong (or unconscious) ways mothering/parenting are — meanwhile, my LIVED experience of being mothered is one of consistent abuse.

I’m sitting here right now, as I write this, thinking of a woman I can send this to, to read before I hit publish. Maybe she’ll tell me not to share it, or maybe she’ll say, ‘me too’ — that she also has dark mom moments that are hard to talk about.

One thing is for certain: I know that I am human. I know that I am not alone on the journey. I know that I came, not to be perfect — but to heal — to carry the torch forward for my Soul family and lineage one step at a time, even if that means that the steps I take don’t get us fully to the destination I know is available.

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In my mind I can hear one of my friends quote Matt Kahn. In moments of admitting my faults and sharing my pain, she’d remind me, “you know Jillian, Matt Kahn would say that in the dark moments, ‘you deserve more love, not less.’”

Is it time to hold yourself with the Love and compassion that you know will wash your Spirit clean and clear? Is it time to forgive yourself for your mistakes and move forward? Is it time to love yourself unconditionally, as if you were the child who needed to be held?

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You’re not here to be perfect. You’re here to be human. And the more you can allow for your mistakes the easier you’ll move through them, learn from them, and the more quickly you will discover another way — a better way — a more aligned way for you + yours. .

Loving You,

Jillian Xx

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On the days that I rise early and do my writing, I am far more satisfied, contented, and pleased — and it makes me a way better mom!

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Big Love,

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WANT MORE?

Go From Overwhelmed to On-Point with Your Purpose Work with the Deeply Supported Mother Workbook

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If you want to:

  • identify what needs to come off your plate NOW

  • map (and start to magnetize) your ideal support system with one of my favorite exercises (SO YOU CAN SHIFT INTO TRULY THRIVING)

  • get instant insight on doing work and motherhood on your own terms 

  • take the next-level action steps you’ve been avoiding

Then, this is for you. Download it below for instant access. 

 
 
 

Money Makes Me a Better Mommy. Here's How.

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It’s all related. Money and motherhood. Stress and triggers.

How you mother, is affected by how you money. There’s no way around it. So it’s probably a good idea to heal it — with just as much determination, motivation, and drive as a person determined to heal the triggers that stem from their childhood trauma.

How are YOU doing money right now? Really, how are you feeling about money right now? Do you feel free? Or constricted?

I know mothers who’ve stayed (or are staying) in so-so and even abusive relationships because of… money. They don’t have enough income to live as a single parent right now and to support their children to their standards.

I know a mother who lives on the Jersey shore who’d much rather be living in Vermont, but she stays in Jersey, because her husband loves it, and he has... the money.

I know a woman who is not getting the midwife she actually wants because the CNM is covered by insurance but the laid back and hand’s off CPM she vibes better with, is not covered, and she doesn’t have the extra money to pay out of pocket, on top of the cost of her unpaid maternity leave.

I myself have made hundreds of decisions based on what I felt was available to me, and what was not, and like every woman in that place, I’ve wondered: how do I blow the lid off of this thing and CREATE + HAVE an unlimited way of living?

I’ll be the first to say (if it hasn’t already been said) that money makes me a better mommy.

Money and the incoming flow of more than enough money allows me to be more present, and grounded with my child (soon to be children). From that place, I think creatively. There exists expansion and possibility. It allows me to serve better, and to make better choices.

But when income dips or expenses increase, or both at the same time (we could talk about the energetics of this in another post) mommy might be pulled under by feelings of stress, worry, or fear...

And that’s when the triggers are easily triggered. That’s when the cortisol is high and the energy is frantic and she burns the toast and drops the avocado. That’s when her trigger buttons are bigger, and her focus is scattered.

Let’s dial this in even more because it’s not just the money that makes you a better mommy, it’s your relationship with the money that makes you a better mommy.

Because there are people who’re triggered at EVERY LEVEL.

There are people who start to worry when their account drops below 10k, just as there are people who start to worry when their account drops below 100k, just as there are people who start to fear when their account goes below $50 or into overdraft, and everything in between and beyond.

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So is it more accurate to say that HAVING MORE THAN ENOUGH makes you a better mommy?

Yes. It’s that energy — that abundant, expansive energy — that changes everything.

And how do you get there and sustain that energy? How do you live from a place of freedom and expansion and trust? How do you create MORE THAN ENOUGH? More than enough FOR YOUR SOUL TO DECIDE?

You do the WORK — the self-worth work. 

You do the WORK — the mind-set work. 

You release blame, and shame, and not-enoughness. 

You take the next inspired step. 
You get clear. 

You ALLOW more, into YOUR BODY and life. 

You see HER (your future self) and you lean into HER, everyday. 

You forgive people and release people. 

You surround yourself with people who GET IT and SEE YOU. 

You show up and CREATE what you feel called to create — not because it’s logical, but because it fuels you and lights you up and guides you forward. 

You make daily decisions that feel hard/scary/uncomfortable. 

You CLAIM it for yourself. 

And you don't stop.

Big Love,
Jillian Xx

P.S. If you're curious about the connection between allowing MORE pleasure into your body, and allowing MORE money into your life — my free instant video training 'How to Create More Money Through the Science of Your Orgasmic Nature' is helping women everyday make NEW connections and shifts in the way they RECEIVE.

Watch it instantly, for free, here: https://www.jillian-anderson.com/freevideotraining

Xx


WANT MORE?

Go From Overwhelmed to On-Point with Your Purpose Work with the Deeply Supported Mother Workbook

deeply-supported-mother-workbook

If you want to:

  • identify what needs to come off your plate NOW

  • map (and start to magnetize) your ideal support system with one of my favorite exercises (SO YOU CAN SHIFT INTO TRULY THRIVING)

  • get instant insight on doing work and motherhood on your own terms 

  • take the next-level action steps you’ve been avoiding

Then, this is for you. Download it below for instant access.