Am I the Mother I Want to Be? Sometimes, I Am Her.

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I remember sitting at a table with two friends last year, when one of them (who was not yet a mama) said something along the lines of, “I know I’m not ready for a child. I don’t want to pass my unconsciousness down the line.”

In my mind, my honest response was, “good luck with that!”

Maybe I was quick to respond because of my own experience. I mean, even after my awakening in 2011, I still struggle with guilt about the way I sometimes fail my son (who is now 5).

You can only do so much ancestral healing work from OUTSIDE the ring.

As in: you can prepare as much as you want before you become a mother, but once you’re a mother (or parent) — the real work begins.

That’s my opinion.

Maybe, like me, you’ll say to yourself, “Holy sh*t, I thought I had healed this.”

There have been dark moments (usually when I’m not taking care of myself/my energy or devoting time to my purpose-work) where I have grabbed my five year old by the shoulders, shaken him, and yelled in his face. Not for no reason, mind you, but because I could no longer tolerate his behavior and non-compliance (which I understand is a glaring reflection of ME).

There have been other things. Like the times when I have made him responsible for the negative shift in energy during the day, or in the house, or between us. Or the times when I have dragged him kicking and screaming to the yard and left him out there until I could get calm enough to handle it.

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Or the times I have outright asked him, “What’s wrong with you?” — all the while knowing how damaging that statement is, and that there is truly nothing wrong with him, but that it’s ME and his behavior or a situation that needs to be addressed with consciousness.

There have also been really sad times when I have completely shut myself and my heart down, and been conditional with my love — a pattern I no doubt lived on the receiving end of as a daughter of an unfit mother.

I won’t go into a long defensive explanation about how freaking persistent, intense, and energetically demanding he is. But I will say: he wants to make ALL the rules, he does not comply, and parenting him is NOT easy.

I’ve invested in therapy. I’ve been doing EFT and EMDR. I’ve read Dr. Shefali. And Peaceful Parent, Happy Child. I’ve read the books about the Spirited Children. I’ve talked to other moms who get it. I’ve talked to moms who don’t.

And I’ve given my child more space to exist as who he naturally is than so many I see fitting their children into tidy little boxes of what’s acceptable — viewing them not as unique beings, but rather as extensions of themselves.

And despite all of it, I still get it wrong, more often than I want to.

Is there more I could do? Yes.

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Am I the mother I want to be? Sometimes I am her.

Sometimes, I lean right into her and I’m proud and relieved. In the moments where I remember to shift the energy intelligently — I am her. In the moments when I maintain eye contact and can hold my role as the energetic container for his intensity — I am her.

When I remember to laugh at it all, that he chose me, and that he IS going to grow into a wonderful and emotionally intelligent young man — I am her.

It’s vulnerable for me to share my dark mom moments, because I know conceptually what the right and wrong (or unconscious) ways mothering/parenting are — meanwhile, my LIVED experience of being mothered is one of consistent abuse.

I’m sitting here right now, as I write this, thinking of a woman I can send this to, to read before I hit publish. Maybe she’ll tell me not to share it, or maybe she’ll say, ‘me too’ — that she also has dark mom moments that are hard to talk about.

One thing is for certain: I know that I am human. I know that I am not alone on the journey. I know that I came, not to be perfect — but to heal — to carry the torch forward for my Soul family and lineage one step at a time, even if that means that the steps I take don’t get us fully to the destination I know is available.

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In my mind I can hear one of my friends quote Matt Kahn. In moments of admitting my faults and sharing my pain, she’d remind me, “you know Jillian, Matt Kahn would say that in the dark moments, ‘you deserve more love, not less.’”

Is it time to hold yourself with the Love and compassion that you know will wash your Spirit clean and clear? Is it time to forgive yourself for your mistakes and move forward? Is it time to love yourself unconditionally, as if you were the child who needed to be held?

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You’re not here to be perfect. You’re here to be human. And the more you can allow for your mistakes the easier you’ll move through them, learn from them, and the more quickly you will discover another way — a better way — a more aligned way for you + yours. .

Loving You,

Jillian Xx

P.S. The Prolific Life Now Mindset Coaching Bundle is NOW available! Are you ready to go from overwhelmed and scattered, to focused on and ON POINT with your soul work?

Listen, I know you’re a better mom when you’re making space for your work, your vision, and your creativity. I know because I’M THE SAME WAY.

On the days that I rise early and do my writing, I am far more satisfied, contented, and pleased — and it makes me a way better mom!

I don’t know who said this, but they were right: you can’t pour from an empty cup. You just can’t. When there are other people in your life who need your life-force energy, you need to do what you can to FILL UP FIRST.

For a limited time (and for a super low price) you can purchase this juicy bundle of mindset trainings designed to help you navigate being both ambitious in building your career AND being the mother you know you can be.

Together let’s:

  • move through your excuses, BS, and limiting stories that are preventing you from showing up for yourself, your work, and by extension — your child or partner or family

  • create new habits (that support your creative genius) so you know what to focus on daily to create consistent results and build unstoppable momentum

  • take the micro steps you need to take, to create your vision in business and in life — financially, emotionally, and energetically.

Get all the details and get in on this goodness right here: www.jillian-anderson.com/mindset-bundle

Big Love,

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WANT MORE?

Go From Overwhelmed to On-Point with Your Purpose Work with the Deeply Supported Mother Workbook

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If you want to:

  • identify what needs to come off your plate NOW

  • map (and start to magnetize) your ideal support system with one of my favorite exercises (SO YOU CAN SHIFT INTO TRULY THRIVING)

  • get instant insight on doing work and motherhood on your own terms 

  • take the next-level action steps you’ve been avoiding

Then, this is for you. Download it below for instant access. 

 
 
 

Money Makes Me a Better Mommy. Here's How.

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It’s all related. Money and motherhood. Stress and triggers.

How you mother, is affected by how you money. There’s no way around it. So it’s probably a good idea to heal it — with just as much determination, motivation, and drive as a person determined to heal the triggers that stem from their childhood trauma.

How are YOU doing money right now? Really, how are you feeling about money right now? Do you feel free? Or constricted?

I know mothers who’ve stayed (or are staying) in so-so and even abusive relationships because of… money. They don’t have enough income to live as a single parent right now and to support their children to their standards.

I know a mother who lives on the Jersey shore who’d much rather be living in Vermont, but she stays in Jersey, because her husband loves it, and he has... the money.

I know a woman who is not getting the midwife she actually wants because the CNM is covered by insurance but the laid back and hand’s off CPM she vibes better with, is not covered, and she doesn’t have the extra money to pay out of pocket, on top of the cost of her unpaid maternity leave.

I myself have made hundreds of decisions based on what I felt was available to me, and what was not, and like every woman in that place, I’ve wondered: how do I blow the lid off of this thing and CREATE + HAVE an unlimited way of living?

I’ll be the first to say (if it hasn’t already been said) that money makes me a better mommy.

Money and the incoming flow of more than enough money allows me to be more present, and grounded with my child (soon to be children). From that place, I think creatively. There exists expansion and possibility. It allows me to serve better, and to make better choices.

But when income dips or expenses increase, or both at the same time (we could talk about the energetics of this in another post) mommy might be pulled under by feelings of stress, worry, or fear...

And that’s when the triggers are easily triggered. That’s when the cortisol is high and the energy is frantic and she burns the toast and drops the avocado. That’s when her trigger buttons are bigger, and her focus is scattered.

Let’s dial this in even more because it’s not just the money that makes you a better mommy, it’s your relationship with the money that makes you a better mommy.

Because there are people who’re triggered at EVERY LEVEL.

There are people who start to worry when their account drops below 10k, just as there are people who start to worry when their account drops below 100k, just as there are people who start to fear when their account goes below $50 or into overdraft, and everything in between and beyond.

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So is it more accurate to say that HAVING MORE THAN ENOUGH makes you a better mommy?

Yes. It’s that energy — that abundant, expansive energy — that changes everything.

And how do you get there and sustain that energy? How do you live from a place of freedom and expansion and trust? How do you create MORE THAN ENOUGH? More than enough FOR YOUR SOUL TO DECIDE?

You do the WORK — the self-worth work. 

You do the WORK — the mind-set work. 

You release blame, and shame, and not-enoughness. 

You take the next inspired step. 
You get clear. 

You ALLOW more, into YOUR BODY and life. 

You see HER (your future self) and you lean into HER, everyday. 

You forgive people and release people. 

You surround yourself with people who GET IT and SEE YOU. 

You show up and CREATE what you feel called to create — not because it’s logical, but because it fuels you and lights you up and guides you forward. 

You make daily decisions that feel hard/scary/uncomfortable. 

You CLAIM it for yourself. 

And you don't stop.

Big Love,
Jillian Xx

P.S. If you're curious about the connection between allowing MORE pleasure into your body, and allowing MORE money into your life — my free instant video training 'How to Create More Money Through the Science of Your Orgasmic Nature' is helping women everyday make NEW connections and shifts in the way they RECEIVE.

Watch it instantly, for free, here: https://www.jillian-anderson.com/freevideotraining

Xx


WANT MORE?

Go From Overwhelmed to On-Point with Your Purpose Work with the Deeply Supported Mother Workbook

deeply-supported-mother-workbook

If you want to:

  • identify what needs to come off your plate NOW

  • map (and start to magnetize) your ideal support system with one of my favorite exercises (SO YOU CAN SHIFT INTO TRULY THRIVING)

  • get instant insight on doing work and motherhood on your own terms 

  • take the next-level action steps you’ve been avoiding

Then, this is for you. Download it below for instant access. 

 
 
 

4 Mistakes to Avoid When Hiring Your First (or Next) Virtual Assistant

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Whether you’re ready to hire a VA (like yesterday) or are intending to hire one in the near future, this post will help you to prepare well. It’s also going to save you from hiring someone who is not really a good fit for you and your needs.

A few weeks ago a girlfriend posted asking for advice about hiring her first VA, and then a former client of mine asked me about the hiring process, and I knew it was time to write this so that more women could benefit from it.

So, if you need to hire help in growing your business and body of work, and you want to do it well the first time around, let’s dive right in:

1. Don’t Hire a Shadow VA (I Repeat: DON’T Hire a Shadow VA).

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Have you ever heard of the term ‘shadow artist’ by artist and author Julia Cameron? If not, here’s the skinny: a shadow artist is an artist in hiding — an artist that hangs around other artists but doesn’t make her own art. In some ways, she denies her gifts (and what she really wants for herself), while she unconsciously fills a void by hanging around others that are doing the work she wants to do.

Look, there are virtual assistants who do NOT want to be virtual assistants, floating around everywhere in the online space. VA work is a means to an end for them. Like, they don’t actually want to take tasks and to-do’s off your plate, they’d rather be in your shoes. Usually it goes something like this: someone who wants to be running her own visionary or mission-based business says, “let me work for someone who is doing what I want to do so I can learn from them while I grow.”

And while the desire to work for someone who is doing what you want to do might seem innocent and even intelligent, in my honest opinion, it quickly becomes a conflict of interest. 



Here’s the thing: as someone who LOVES to pass off the not so exciting tasks and to-do’s to someone else, I can tell you that the energy exchange between you and the VA is everything. You DO NOT want to feel like you’re burdening someone with the tasks you’re assigning to them. NO. You want to feel excited to give them the tasks, and you want to feel that they receive them with arms wide open.

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I know, I know, it IS strange (to me at least) that some people actually want to handle things like customer service, scheduling emails, setting up automations, handling client care, sending agreements, setting up opt-in pages, tracking data etc. etc. but trust me, those people DO exist and they are a total joy to work with, because you feel GREAT giving them those tasks.

What I want to help you avoid here is a) holding back the tasks and to-do’s you most need help with because you feel the person on the receiving end of said tasks is annoyed or not excited by them and b) getting into a short term work scenario in which the VA soon decides that she needs to up-level and step into her vision.

While you will want to cheer her on (rightfully so) you’ve just spent your precious energy and time training her, and now you’ll need to start over with someone new.

My fool-proof method for vetting out the shadow VAs? Ask each VA you interview a series of questions that helps you to see their big vision for themselves and their life. If their genius zone and vision for themselves doesn’t involve working on a team for you, or for someone like you, they’re not the right person for the job. Next! 


The second mistake to avoid when hiring a VA is…

2. Not Knowing What You Need (Very Specifically) Before Hiring.

Make a list of exactly what you’ll be delegating, before you start looking for someone.

What are the programs and apps you need this person to be proficient in? What tasks will you be sending to them? What are you MOST excited about taking off your plate? Keep a piece of paper near your computer or work space, and every time you catch yourself doing something you don’t really feel is the BEST use of your time, write it down. You can go back later and categorize some of these tasks or ‘energy leaks’.

Think of this as you getting clear with the Universe. You’re like, “Hey God, hey Universe, I need a supportive person to help me with my mission.” If you’re not clear on what the person will need to help you with, you’re not going to know how to choose the best fit for you, when you start the hiring process (even though you’re highly intuitive, clarity on this is still so vital).

This leads right into the third mistake to avoid…



3. Hiring Without Assigning a Test Project 



It’s not only vital that you know what tasks and to-do’s this person can take off your plate. It’s also vital that you get to know who they are. Their energy and their vibe matters. You’re going to be working closely with this person, you know? You want it to be an uplifting and supportive match. This is why I recommend having a ‘trial period’ through a test project. After the project, if you’re happy with the way it went, you can officially bring them on board. 

The test project will help you determine things like:

  • Can they communicate openly, clearly, and effectively?

  • Are they late to meetings?

  • Do they make excuses, or do they own their shortcomings and mistakes?

  • Are they happy?

  • Do they have a problem solving mindset? 
Do they gossip?

  • Do they take pride in their work?


  • Are they so bogged down by 100 clients that they bring stress into your business and creative space?

You won’t know the answers to these questions until you get started on a project together. Make an agreement to start with a test project (you of course pay them for this) and at the end of the project you can determine if you want to bring them on board, fully. 



Which leads me to ONE more mistake I want you to avoid…


4. Hiring Someone Who Doesn’t Take The Initiative 



You’re already busy. You have enough on your plate. The last thing you need is someone asking you step by step instructions on how to do something that they can easily google or find the answer for in a forum somewhere. Hire someone who can receive a task, and figure that sh*t out for you, without you needing to be super involved.



If you loved this and found it helpful, leave me an emoji in the comments below.

And, if you’ve started the process of hiring a VA leave me a ‘1’ in the comments, and if you’re ready to get started (especially after reading this) leave me a ‘2’. 



Big Love,



Jillian-final.png
 

WANT MORE?

Go From Overwhelmed to On-Point with Your Purpose Work with the Deeply Supported Mother Workbook

deeply-supported-mother-workbook

If you want to:

  • identify what needs to come off your plate NOW

  • map (and start to magnetize) your ideal support system with one of my favorite exercises (SO YOU CAN SHIFT INTO TRULY THRIVING)

  • get instant insight on doing work and motherhood on your own terms 

  • take the next-level action steps you’ve been avoiding

Then, this is for you. Download it below for instant access.