I'll never forget the sex advice my mother gave me when I was fifteen. As she sped up the road toward our driveway she said through a mischievous half-smile: "Whatever you do, don't just lay there."
I didn't realize it then, but that advice was not about me, it was about her.
It was a combination of her passing on the patriarchy's conditioning that girls should appeal to the opposite sex, and of her own lack of self-worth. I was already having sex at that time, but I didn't dare tell her.
And you know what? I remembered what she said. I didn't just lay there. I made it good.
I pleased my partners, sure. But I never showed my heart. It never occurred to me that pleasure was for me too. I rarely had an orgasm. I was never cracked open at the core. I never cried during sex either, not then.
Had that sex advice been about me, and not about how desirable my mom wanted to project that she was, it could have gone something like this: "Your body is sacred, and sex is something beautiful that's shared between two people in love. Sex without love isn't worth it. And sex is not just for your partner, it's for you too. Also, be safe, because sex is the energy that creates life, and if you're not ready to be a mother, you need to understand your cycle and other ways to prevent pregnancy."
But that's not the advice I got. And that's not the advice most of us receive in our youth.
I needed to 'prove my worth' and be 'good enough' in bed to keep a man content and pleased with me. Sex was about making him happy and making him want me, despite the feeling that this was all a trick, and that deep down I felt something was inherently wrong with me. I was flawed and faking.
Flash forward to now: I have created space for my true feminine essence. I am more myself than I have ever been. On the way, I was required to take a mask off, and then another, and then another.
I can now embody the feminine. She is with me, she is me. I let myself open. I allow myself pleasure without guilt or shame attached. I know that I am lovable because I exist and I don't usually get caught in proving myself. I feel spiritually wealthy, abundant.
The feminine art of receptivity and the ease that comes with it, is always available to you.
We all want more ease, grace, and pleasure. It's the natural receptive state that is so powerful for women (and men too). It's the essence the brings dreams to your door. It's the essence of b e i n g in the here and now. It allows you to inhabit your body more fully, and to restore vital energy that may have been lost early on in your life.
All humans have feminine energy and the more we connect with both the masculine + feminine energies within us the more creative we can become as a channel for life. (I am speaking about this outside of gender or sexual orientation).
One of my favorite things to teach is that this balance of masculine and feminine energies (polarity) can be directly experienced within the musculature of the pelvis.
When I started practicing Yoni massage to release trapped energy, I discovered that my feminine side (the left) was weak, numb, and under functioning. My masculine side (the right) was tense with painful trigger points.
Through consistent self-care from both the Yoni massage and through my jade egg practice I have developed a beautiful awareness of my own needs that allows me to grow spiritually, cultivate creative energy, and enjoy my life more than I ever have before.
What I discovered from my hyper-masculine tendencies:
two flexed masculine energies in bed doesn't make for ecstatic union, yin and yang matters.
magnetism is much more productive than 'making it happen' by force.
floating downstream with ease is always better than swimming up stream
women are worthy of attentiveness and pleasure in relationship too
there is no receiving without some sort of stillness and non-action
How to tap into your feminine essence:
surround yourself with the beauty you love
make ritual time to be still every month (I like to do this during ovulation and menstruation).
connect your womb to your heart through meditation or self-cultivation
try a self-guided Yoni massage to release trapped energy
start a jade egg practice and bring loving attention to your pelvis
I'd LOVE to learn from you: Leave a comment below and let us know...
What is your favorite way to tap into your feminine essence?
What makes you feel open and ready to receive?
What softens your heart and moves you from hyper activity to stillness and ease?